Why Didn't He Call After The First Date?
Mars meet Venus...you make us crazy if you've got a penis.
We women spend too much time analyzing, make excuses about, or rationalizing men's dating behavior.
It's enough to make you want to reach inside your head and smother your brain with your pillow to put it out of its misery. Does any of this sound familiar?
Sunday, Date Day
You show up at the appointed time and place for your first meet up, your pre-date, so to speak. You're beautifully groomed, dressed in a casually understated way, curious about whether this guy is as cool in person as he sounds from his profile and phone call. He walks in, and the sparks begin to fly immediately. Conversation flows easily, and maybe you even move on from your meeting spot to dinner or to walk around town. He seems to be as into you as you are into him. At the end of the date he tells you he had a good time, that you're prettier than your pictures, and that he'll call you.
On your way home, you allow yourself to be excited. This feels different. You call your friends and tell them you finally had a date with a seemingly normal, good-looking guy, and you could tell he was attracted. You drift off to sleep that night feeling confident that he'll call you for a second date.
By afternoon your phone's message icon is completely smudged from constantly checking for texts. Maybe he emailed you? Nothing. You check your online dating site message inbox. Multiple times.
You review in excruciating detail what you said, what he he said. He did say he was in the middle of a huge project? You decide he's just busy at work.
By evening you start to analyze whether you revealed too much, or too little. Maybe you shouldn't have told him about that bad date you had two weeks ago. You stay up too late searching around Facebook, Instagram, checking to see if he's been active on his dating site. Your friends tell you he'll call by tomorrow.
Nothing. You go out with your friends after work and drink too much wine. They talk you out of texting Boy Wonder to see what's up and to tell him how much fun you had meeting him last weekend. Dating sucks.
Waking exhausted with a headache, you question your sanity. Maybe you imagined the sparks. Your friends tell you to forget this loser. But..couldn't he still call tonight? You're still not sure if you should accept other offers to do things this weekend. You force yourself to the gym to get your mind off him.
Men! You're through with all this. You decide to text him. Hours pass. You can't eat. At 4 pm, you get a text from him, telling you that he had a nice time too, and he hopes you have a great weekend. You want to poke his eyes out with your fingernails. You then read our piece on Re-Thinking Hard To Get.
What's the real question?
The Dating Gurus are betting if you've been dating for a while then you've gone through post-date misery more than a few times.
Perhaps a better question to ask yourself: Why I would let myself waste all that mental and emotional energy, assuming blame for a dead-end date?
Here's the deal--there are a huge range of possibilities why people don't choose to pursue or re-contact their date. They range from the ridiculous to sensible and from issues he had with something about you, to issues he is going through himself.
1. It's Him
- Maybe he's been in his own frustrating dating cycle, and isn't sure where he stands with someone, and he's playing the field. What...you've never done that??
- He just didn't feel that animal attraction, that mysterious chemistry
- He's insecure and thinks he wouldn't measure up
- He misinterpreted your pride in your accomplishments as bragging or his insecurity has surfaced.
- He's immature, and is a serial dater or a player.
2. It's you
If almost every time you date, you get no follow-through, it's time to take a good look at your dating behavior.
- People can smell desperation or neediness a mile away. This cannot be overstated. While it's normal to get worried about never meeting the right person and being single forever, it's crucial that you do the counter-intuitive thing and LET GO of the attachment you have to the outcome of your date.
- When you let go of your inner anxiety to have this person, this date, be the answer to your dating prayers, you can relax and really be present with yourself and your date. Breathe, girl!
- You might be coming off as interviewing your date. Many guys have told us that some girls seem to be checking off the boxes rather than making an emotional connection. One of the biggest complaints we hear is that the woman seems overly focused on his job and financial security. While this is crucial information, it's also not for the first date.
- Your date may perceive you as having lots of baggage. Are you talking about your ex too much? Your parent's divorce? Your bad luck with jobs or dates?
You can't possibly take responsibility for all of the factors going on in someone's life and in their head, so you need to take a deep breath and re-focus on yourself.
Bottom line: Don't rip yourself to shreds, give away your power and assume responsibility. If he wants to call you he will. If it isn't the right connection, he won't. Keep looking, and remind yourself that every date you go on is just practice for the day you and the love of your life lock eyes.