We're just like you.  We connected through an online dating service--OK Cupid, to be exact.  Our first date was at a fun Seattle tapas-and-sangria bar.  We fell in love.  We are engaged to be married.  We know that you, too, can find love.  Let us help you.

This is Why You Are Not Getting A Second Date

This is Why You Are Not Getting A Second Date

©Conde Nast

1.  You Lied About Yourself in your Dating Profile

Nothing like sitting in Starbucks waiting for your date to show up, praying that this time, "MadeForYouOnlyNYC" will actually resemble the person depicted in their online dating profile. Don't hold your breath: We've found that one of the biggest complaints both sexes have about online dating is that the person didn't look anything like their profile photos.

The difference between putting your best self out there with blatantly lying about who you are?

  • Your photos should be recent--as in--no older than a year. A good rule of thumb is to caption the photos underneath with the date taken. I once went on a date with a guy who had posted excellent photos of himself in various intriguing settings: his air force pic, posing with his vintage car, standing in an Italian olive grove. He had a great narrative as well, and seemed like someone I'd like to know. Why, then, did I not even recognize CJ when he walked into the bar? His pictures were over 5 years old! The man who sat down next to me was easily 30 pounds heavier, and bore little resemblance to the man in those photos. After doing a double take, I recovered, but was so taken aback that I couldn't focus on much else. It made me question his motives and general character--and indeed, it turned out that CJ's life was such a mess that very little in that profile reflected his true current circumstances.
  • Sins of Omissions: Forgot to mention that you have kids, are unemployed, live with your parents, have an obvious disability, or are not quite separated yet? OOPS! Some things can be left out of your dating profile, but omitting big things like these are generally deal breakers for most people. People can forgive unfortunate circumstances, but not the fact that you did not divulge the truth from the beginning. There are ways to introduce uncomfortable topics or circumstances in your profile, such as mentioning that you have recently had the opportunity to recreate your career path, or that while you do have 3 beautiful young children, you also recognize that importance of making space for romance and adult time in your life.

2. You're Trying Too Hard

You were trying so hard to make an impression, that you made one, alright...only you didn't realize that most people's intuition bell clangs loudly when they feel that someone has an agenda.

  • You were too pushy: Instead of enjoying the moment and getting to know your date, you constantly say things like, "Do you like what you see?" or "I think this is going great, don't you?".  Don't ask for a second date in the middle of the first date.
  • You over-compliment: Peppering your conversation with compliments about your date's appearance just serves to make them uncomfortable and decreases your own value in their eyes. One simple compliment is fine.
  • You're a Close Talker, or Over Toucher:  Respect your date's personal space, and leave an arm's length between you, especially when on a first date. Many studies have shown that this is the preferred distance between people who don't already have a close relationship. Anything else makes most people very uncomfortable and is perceived as overly aggressive. Rule of thumb with touching on a first date? A simple touch on your date's arm should be all you try..and even that should be done with caution. If in doubt? Ask.

3. You're Overly Focused on Sex

If both parties are on a hookup type dating site, knock yourself out. Otherwise, blatant sex talk about your preferences or past experiences should be off the table. I've had actual dates where the guy talks about how much he likes to please a woman in bed, likes to give oral, or what his favorite positions are.  Keep it zipped. .. unless you want to score 10 on the Creep-O-meter scale.

4. You're An Over-Texter

Want to know what reeks of desperation? Getting constant texts from someone you went out with once (or twice). The other texting fail is having your phone out during the date, responding to or even reading texts while on the date.

5. You Talked About Yourself The Entire Time

Being arrogant, bragging about your real estate holdings, describing the minutiae of your job in excruciating detail, or talking about your hobby or interests non-stop can be a real yawnfest for your date. Show some interest in who your date is. Ask questions. Listen. Really.

6. You Talked About Your Ex

The most you should each be saying about your ex is to answer a question about how long you were in the relationship. If you are asked why it ended, keep it simple and brief, i.e, "We were together 2 years.. and realized we were looking for different things".  Any more than this can devolve into a complaint fest,  or reveal that you aren't emotionally ready to start dating again. If the other person is fishing for info, tell them that you'd much rather focus on getting to know them than to focus on your ex.

Interested in reading more of our advice about first dates?









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