The "Pre-Date" vs. First Date: Where NOT to go
Your First "Date" Is Not Really a Date
Peer inside every coffee shop in any city, and there you will find them: those dating duos sipping on their triple-shot-caramel macchiatos while smiling just a little too brightly and trying to act natural while coping with a case of the online first-meet jitters.
They might think they are on a first date, but in actuality they are on the pre-date. The pre-date, although it is not stated as such, is where the real litmus test of attraction occurs.
The Pre-Date and First Impressions
Generally speaking, in less than 20 seconds, most of us become aware if we are initially attracted to someone, and the brain gets busy firing off judgments, fair or not. There are many psychological studies which confirm this phenomenon, and this is why the pre-date is invaluable.
Just remember that although you might have instant chemistry, sometimes it also takes another date or two to see if there is more than just a physical connection.
Conversely, if your date isn't quite floating your boat physically, but seems like they have a lot of the other qualities you are into, giving things the chance to flow in a more relaxed environment on a different date might help you feel more attracted.
Before You Make Those Dinner Ressies...
Think of it this way...wouldn't you rather spend $8 for two cappucino's at Starbucks than $30 for lunch, just to do an initial in-person screening?
We strongly recommend telling your date that you'd be happy to meet for a specified amount of time--say 45 minutes. If you don't, you may find yourself in the awkward position of realizing that you have zero attraction to your date, and no escape hatch. You can get through almost anything for 45 minutes unless the person is bizarre, in which case you can whip out your cell phone, pretend that it was vibrating, and tell your date that you need to leave unexpectedly.
In general, avoid situations that:
- Go on for more than 1 hour
- Are more than the cost of a lunch or a brief, very casual dinner
- Trap you
Some of the worst ideas for a pre-date
1. Full dinner at an upscale place
The double commitment of time and money will be simply too much if your date is a dud. If you have to do dinner, make it brief, extremely casual, and dutch.
Steer clear of the type of thing that could embarrass you or your date. Keep it neutral.
3. A bar
Tempting as it is to meet for a quick drink, booze loosens your judgement. You want your wits about when assessing this person. Save drinking for the real first date.
4. Places with just the two of you
Even if safety is not an issue, it's just a bit too creepy to be meeting in remote locales with a stranger. Besides, social situations allow you to better assess that person.
5. Religious or Political Places
Forget meeting at a house of worship--even if you are both share the same religion. Ditto for a political environment. Make it light and simple--coffee shop or snack. Walk.
If you made it through the pre-date, and still want to move on, here are some good ideas for something other than a coffee-shop date.