Q: "I'm so confused and NOT HAPPY! I finally found a guy that I really fell for through OKCupid. We've were dating for 5 weeks when he asked me if I would go out with only him. Since I like him so much, I took down my dating profile immediately, so I wouldn't keep getting messages from other guys, and so that he would see that I was serious about my commitment to him. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, so I logged back on to check this morning, and his profile was still up! Grr! It's making me very uncomfortable. I've been cheated on before, and don't want to play the fool again. On the other hand, I don't want to over react. Help! " Judith T., Scottsdale, AZ
A: Judith, you aren't alone in feeling uncomfortable about the issue of when to disable or take down online profiles. We get many questions from both sexes who are confused about how to address the discovery of their partner's dating profile after an agreement to be exclusive, as well as about when to take down their own. It's a complicated issue because it can stir up emotional baggage from previous relationships, as well as deals with communication about an uncomfortable subject.
By the way, good for you for taking down your profile immediately. Your actions show your intention and your integrity, as well as respect for the new relationship.
Here are a couple of suggestions for you. Choose one that feels most compatible with your style:
- Consider the possibility that your new bf forgot to disable his dating profile. While you didn't indicate how long his profile has remained up since your exclusivity agreement, the question is really whether its been actively used. OKCupid has a feature on the right-hand side that indicates the last time the profile was active.
If you don't see any indicators of active use, tell him how good it felt to take down your profile, and see what he says.
- Re-activate your profile temporarily and if his is still up in a few days, you can ask, "Since we're dating exclusively, should we take our profiles down now?"
Yes, dear readers, we know this is manipulative, and for this reason it's not our preferred method of communication, but its direct without being confrontational.
Most People Don't Leave Their Profiles Up Once They've Found the Right Person.
If your date doesn't deactivate his, he might be a serial dater or worse, a player. Whatever the case may be, if he persists in keeping a presence on the dating website, you have all the information you need to make the choice about your dating future with this fella. You can re-activate your profile and let him know that you are going to be dating other people while you continue to date him, since his profile is still actively available. Or, you can vote with your feet and find someone worthy of your trust, time, and energy.