After combing through a gazillion men's profiles, please take me at my word that these are no-no's. I did not make ANY of this up. Girls everywhere will thank me and you should listen to me. 1. Must you remind all of us how strange it feels to be on a dating website? Do NOT begin your "Self Summary" or "About me" profile section with, "Ummmm...ookay...I can't believe I'm actually doing this online dating stuff".
2. Have something to say! And saying, "I'm not sure what to say..How to begin..?" or "How does one describe oneself on an online dating site?" do not count. These are clear signals to a girl that the rest of the profile is sure to be a time-waster as well. Check out your competition's profiles to get ideas of the kinds of things that others are talking about. Do not steal their content.
3. Get off the pity-pot, Eeyore! Dreary donkeys, sad-sacks and les miserables' complaining about their lot in life are not attractive. Remember, guys-- you're here to take control of your future, not focus on past mistakes. Put on your big-boy pants and git going!
4. Do not admit that you are lazy, boring, bitter or poor. Would you want to go out with you if you were me?
5. Fawning over your pets. Heck, we all love Fluffy and Fido. By all means, mention that you have a great pet. But there is something about a grown man waxing poetic about his CAT, for crying out loud, that sends most of us running for the hills. And whatever you do, do not-- I repeat NOT-- use terms like "my sweet kitty".
6. For the love of god, do NOT write about your affection for "cuddling". And if you talk about your darling kitty and your affection for cuddling in the same dating profile, you are totally screwed.
7. Be sparing in your use of smileys, haha's, and lol's. One or two max. Too cutesy, teenage-like, and detracts from your message.
8. Just because you're obsessed with sports TV, being a vegan, have lactose/ gluten intolerance, or are anti-fur does not mean you should continually bring these things up in your profile, unless you are fanatical about your issues, in which case, by all means announce that you are fanatical about such things and give us all fair warning.
9. Can you smell desperate? This is a real live quote lifted from an OKCupid profile under the category 'What I'm doing with my life'. "Searching for her, writing songs for and about her, and dreaming of meeting The One". While you may indeed by hoping to meet your soul-mate, you do not need to make an announcement. Yuck.
10. Thou shalt not ramble ON! Dating profile readers generally assess your photos, skim through the profile, reading between the lines of what you're NOT saying as much as what you are. We don't need to know everything that you enjoy, or every travel destination you've ever visited. Leave a little mystery, will you?
11. Over-usage of profanity isn't effing cool. Remember that you your goal is to ATTRACT women through the written word, not repel them. While the well-placed "damn fine" or "bad-ass" can sometimes work, describing a beach destination you visited as "f**king outrageous" just makes you sound ignorant and doesn't translate well on a dating profile.
12. Spell check is your friend. Takes two seconds to copy and paste to a Word doc and hit the spell check button. Run-on sentences are just as huge a problem, so please ask a friend to proofread for you. (Hint: Use a profile writing guru if you need help to review your profile. Just sayin').
13. SEX SEX SEX. We surely need to have a separate category simply to address all the blunders and over-sharing that occurs on this topic. Discussing your fascination with the size of your member or prowess makes us shriek and click. I kid you not--this is more typical than you would believe. Here is a real example from a popular dating website, poor grammar/puncutation uncorrected: "I love to help people explore their sexuality and sexual prowess, sensuality is very important too and I like to teach others ways to explore their sensual natures. i am a sex fanatic, specialization oral pleasuring in breasts and clitoral stimulation". This same misguided dude goes on to say he's a Masseuse and Reiki Master. EW!!! Is it a surprise that the little contact indicator next to his profile name says that he 'hasn't been contacted for over a week'? And to the guy in Yuma, AZ who says "My penis is rather large no joke"-- you MUST be joking!
14. Focus on your crazy ex's or horrible luck with your last few dates. This does not bode well for your judgement about people, and says more about you than it does about them. Suffice it to say that you are starting a new chapter in your life, and that you've learned some great lessons about what you are looking for.
15. Living with your parents or being unemployed. Whatever circumstances may have driven you to move back in with the 'rents, or have caused you to become unemployed, 97% of the women I surveyed about this said they would roll their eyes and keep searching. Leave this off your profile, and when you contact a potential date, you need to mention this little tid-bit right away, explaining the circumstances honestly. Better for this to come out now and save you both frustration and disappointment.