Gentlemen, you've been dating her for awhile now. Things are going great. Providing you haven't done anything dumb to sabotage your relationship, she may have already decided that you're a keeper. But you've been wondering: Is she really the one?
Some readers may think: "If you have to ask, then she isn't." That's the type of fairy tale advice closer to sappy romantic movies than to real life. As if every person comes with the perfect instinct for choosing a mate.
If that were true, everyone would know to choose the right person. The world would be entirely free of break-ups, separations, and divorces. Wouldn't that be nice?
For men, knowing whether she is the right one is a balance between the heart and the head:
The Heart: I Am Into This Woman
Does your chest feel fluttery when she's around? Do you have to fan yourself you see her? No?
That's because romantic TV shows, movies, magazines, and books usually come from the woman's perspective. How does a man feel? Let's look at how guys' emotions often manifest themselves:
- You feel an uplift or a sense of calm when a text from her pops up.
- You want to give her a gift because it's something she really likes.
- You feel like you want to protect her.
- You're able to make her laugh, and she makes you laugh.
- When she's with you, you feel an internal "click," like a puzzle piece fitting perfectly into place.
- When you see her, it's because you want to see her. Not because it sounds great to catch a movie or grab a drink. But because you want to see her.
And finally: yes, we of the Y chromosome don't bat our eyelashes or fan ourselves with scented handkerchiefs, but we feel a strange, deep, almost ponderous stirring--like a stone moving away from a cave--that happens at the bottom of a man's chest when he's around his special woman.
The Head: This Will Work
The head is logical and it dictates operations that will keep your life running smoothly. The head is about self-preservation, continuance of your genes. The head is about holding this house together; not just the physical house but everything: children, security, income, etc.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Is she the proverbial "type you wouldn't bring home to Mother"?
- Do you feel like you want to limit her contact with your friends?
- And that you will need to explain a few things to your friends before she meets them?
- Is her life a complete mess that can only be cured by being with you?
If you say "No" to the first question and "Yes" to the remaining questions, then she is absolutely not the one.
With the first question, we don't know what kind of Mother you have. Maybe your Mother is a hard-bitten Reno prostitute and you wouldn't dare have your pure-as-driven-snow Mormon girlfriend meet her. But since this is proverbial, Mother represents all that is true, good, and safe. Your girlfriend is the wild card: will Mom approve?
With questions 2 and 3, she needs to mesh with your friends without any kind of preamble. If you need to warn your friends about her or explain away some of her actions in advance, that's bad news.
With the last question, her life needs to be in order without the stabilizing influence of anyone else.