We're just like you.  We connected through an online dating service--OK Cupid, to be exact.  Our first date was at a fun Seattle tapas-and-sangria bar.  We fell in love.  We are engaged to be married.  We know that you, too, can find love.  Let us help you.

How To Become The "Perfect" Girlfriend  (The Female Perspective That May Surprise You)

How To Become The "Perfect" Girlfriend (The Female Perspective That May Surprise You)

©Gil Elvgren
©Gil Elvgren

Just Kidding!

For the sake of argument, we ladies will try to suspend our disbelief that men can get past their fantasy of the raven-haired beauty dolled up in the sexy apron and garters, whipping them up a home-baked treat, or better yet...arriving at Boy's Poker Night on a Ducati, donning a sexy leather bra-lette and short-shorts to deliver beer and nachos. 

To understand what men are realistically seeking in their version of the Perfect Girlfriend, lets reel things back a little, and first review the most typical complaints that men have about women:

  1. Too irrational
  2. Prone to emotional freak-outs
  3. Overly critical
  4. Unable to relax
  5. Always trying to change them
  6. ...and the seldom heard (!) complaint about us withholding sex as a weapon or to be manipulative.

So, is there any truth to these generalities? Yup, kernels of truth.

Maybe not necessarily with the subjective qualifiers like 'too', 'overly', and 'always', but there are, in fact, real differences between the male/female brain, as well as the socialization process that reinforce these characteristics.

 Why Can't a Woman...Be More Like A Man?


In other words, those hairy beasts seem to be saying they want us to be more like their perception of themselves, only prettier.

However, the male counterpart of The Dating Gurus asserts in Swallow the Purple Pill: What Are Men REALLY Looking For?(4 Answers Women Will Hate) that men in fact value and admire the differences between women and men--but what they're dying to find is a cool-headed, strong woman who expresses her emotions, and isn't ruled by them. And then there's the sex appeal stuff and physicality, but we'll get to that.

So Let's Get To the Good Stuff:  7 ways to Become...The Killer Girlfriend

From  the female Dating Guru's perspective, here's some down-to-earth advice about how to become the kind of girlfriend that guys would kill for:

1. Get A Life (Yours!)

Think about it: Is there anything less attractive than a woman sitting around waiting for a guy to call , or for life to happen? Even if you live together, your boyfriend was initially attracted to you because you had passions and interests of your own.  Create a space where you pursue separate interests or activities. This is crucial to maintaining your own identity, thus remaining attractive and desirable by virtue of not being becoming an appendage to someone else's life.

2. Let Him Breathe

This is a Very Big Deal. One of the main reasons men are hesitant to commit to being in a relationship is the fear that they'll get swallowed up by you, and pressured to curtail their own activities or interests. Show him that you value him as a man, and honor his need to do guy things. No passive-aggressive comments, no snotty behavior. In fact, go a step further and encourage him to meet up with his friends, or get him tickets or make reservations for something for him and his friends that doesn't involve you.

3. Have His Back

I don't know about you, but one thing that irks me to no end is to hear women bitching to their friends or family about their boyfriend (or husband) on a regular basis. You should be the one person who he can count on to as his #1 fan, supporter, and defender. Obviously, this doesn't mean putting up with unacceptable behavior,but it does mean that when the ladies start having a rag session, you don't feed the frenzy.

4. No talking badly about his friends or family.

You don't have to like all of them, but you do have to be respectful. After all, aren't some of your own friends and family pretty damn challenging?

5. Look Feminine (in your own way)

Obviously, we can't all agree to what Feminine looks like, or what feels comfortable to you...but it's fair to say men prefer women who look like...women. This will vary culturally, of course,  but I have yet to meet a man that doesn't prefer:

  • longer hair (even on mature women)
  • clothes that hug your curves (i.e. even workout or hangout gear like yoga pants vs baggy sweats) and reveal a bit of skin. 
  • footwear with a heel (if you can't tolerate heels, try platforms). News Flash: Ballet flats are not feminine--they're frumpy. Wear flip-flops, sandals, or boots instead of flats
  • skirts and dresses (even totally casual)
  • cosmetics that brings out your eyes, and a bit of color on your face. This should be a no-brainer, but heavy makeup turns most men off. If you like a dramatic look, pick one feature to play up. 

6.  In The Bedroom (and out)

Some men like to dominate, some prefer to have you dominate, but all men love sex. Hell, we all love sex, don't we? It's no secret that guys are always complaining that they don't get enough after the initial romance, so be the exception to the rule. 

Oh, so you want some boudoir wisdom from the Lady Guru? Here's a basic truth, and if you don't take any other advice about the bedroom, take this piece:

Your boyfriend  wants to please you, because turning you on is what turns him on. So it's to everyone's benefit not to clam up about what you really want, and how you want it. Please yourself, and you can be damn sure he'll get off on it. Winning.

        • Make some some noise. A quiet little mouse is not very exciting. If he's doing something right, let him know.
        • Let him watch. SHOW this visual creature what turns you on. Please yourself, and tell him he can't touch. Wanting is almost as good as doing.
        •  You know you wanna. Tell him to tie you up. Or tie him up.
        • Hang out in flannel before bed if you must...but have something silk or satiny on you when you enter the bedroom, even if you're purely just sleeping in it.
        • If you're self-conscious about your less-than-perfect body, and this is causing you to avoid having sex, get a red bulb for your table lamp, or light candles. Get a vintage garter and stockings, which, besides looking awesome, can help you feel less exposed. It's all about being comfortable in your own skin so you can get out of your own head and connect.
        • We needn't go into details ( need we?) but you need to offer this man some good slow pleasure in the way he likely craves it most. You might want to check out The Bad Girls Bible for some tips.
        • Don't have sex as a reward or withhold sex as a response to something you didn't like. Passive-aggressive behavior like this has no place in the bedroom.

7.  Embrace Your Emotions

Being intuitive, feeling your emotions, and communicating is good.  Just make sure that you don't become ruled by these traits. 

When faced with a tough situation, remember that you are being given an opportunity on a real-life stage to show what you're made of. Don't blow it by turning into a whiner or a shrieking shrew. Perfect Girlfriend Material means: 

                • keeping things in perspective 
                • harnessing your dignity.  Tell him what you didn't like...without freaking out.
                • get clear with your bottom line and your boundaries, and if something isn't cool, state your truth. 
                • let your man know it's safe to reveal his less than perfect side, or that its ok to make mistakes.

No Such Thing

You'll notice I haven't said a word about being thin or gorgeous.  I'm sure you've all seen the woman who walks into the coffee shop radiating something...not perfect, but interesting and fully embracing herself. She knows who she is and makes the best of what she's been given. This is a woman who is open to possibilities.

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