We're just like you.  We connected through an online dating service--OK Cupid, to be exact.  Our first date was at a fun Seattle tapas-and-sangria bar.  We fell in love.  We are engaged to be married.  We know that you, too, can find love.  Let us help you.

Male Dating Profile Behaviors That Make Women Want To Throw Up in Their Mouths

Male Dating Profile Behaviors That Make Women Want To Throw Up in Their Mouths

It is a stock scenario of movies and TV, a well-worn trope.  Person A cannot empathize with Person B.  Person A masquerades as Person B and sees the truth.  Illumination ensures!  Cue the credits.

It's a funny set-up when applied to scenarios like the 9-5 working partner not fully understanding the demands of the home-based, child-minding partner.  But what about in the dating world?

A Fly on The Wall...

The male half of The Dating Gurus has long heard complaints from women about patently obvious dumb dating profile behaviors that men do.  

But truth and illumination never developed until he sat in on a female dating profile for 48 hours.  

In those mere two days and two nights, he saw what kind of men are out there, what their messages are like, and just how fast it takes to run to the bathroom to throw up.

This is only a slight exaggeration.  While actual bile did not rise to the throat, the following things that men say and do on online dating sites definitely produced a sense of revulsion.  

1.  "There's Something Wrong With My Phone.  It Doesn't Have Your Number On It."

Yes, this was an actual come-on that I received through OK Cupid.  This and all other stock come-on phrases that you have saved in a Word document shout cheap and desperate.  It's the OK Cupid version of shop-worn cocktail lounge come-on lines.  Bleech.

Which naturally leads to...

2.  "How Was Your Weekend...  You're Gorgeous."

I do not find this enticing.  While I like having my prettiness commented on, there is something cheap and tawdry and icky about some anonymous person who exists only in pixel form saying "You're pretty."  

3.  Ooooo, Look What I Do For a Job!

You're an airline pilot, you're the personal assistant to an incredibly famous local glass artist, you're a band manager.  

Whatever.  While I do like a guy who has an engaging career--and who actually is making enough money to support himself--career-bragging at this stage is a turn-off.

4.  I'm Poly!

Nice for you.  Next...

5.  Stupid, Goofy Childish Profile Pictures

  • The 40 year-old guy wearing a Slash-like top hat and whose face is heavily made up to look like a skull.
  • The guy--no, the countless guys--wearing cutesy fuzzy bear hats with ears.  This was fashionable 8 years ago.  In Portland.  On women 16 to 22 years old.  And trendy for about seven minutes.
  • The 51 year-old man wearing Affliction clothing and a heavy gold rapper chain non-ironically.

6.  Your Gender Is Not Apparent

This opinion goes against established, conventional thinking.  But the woman who is still obviously a woman yet is representing herself as a man did not entice me.

OK Cupid has 22 genders available.  Check 'em out.  There might be one for you.

And yeah, I'm a man masquerading as a woman, ever so briefly, to check out OK Cupid's men.  I get the irony.

7.  You're 2,885 Miles Away

Why on earth would someone all the way across the country message me?  What are they expecting?  That they'll fly 5 hours to meet at a coffee shop for 35 minutes?

8.  It's a Sausage Fest Out There

One tip to guys:  women get approached a lot.

This is not really a criticism of guys' behavior, so much as an observation of the online dating climate.

But even this marginally attractive profile woman who spouted all of the typical, inane and brainless profile-isms ("I love salsa dancing!"  "I'm grouchy unless I get my coffee!") received a steady stream of messages from guys.


5 Types of Older Men You Meet on Online Dating Sites

5 Types of Older Men You Meet on Online Dating Sites

The 5 Types of Alpha Men

The 5 Types of Alpha Men